The Surrender

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I love this photo taken by my fellow photographer, Jennifer, for so many reasons. Its beautifully lit and composed and I love that it shows me practicing with my oxygen which is a normal part of my practice now. It’s a pose I visit often. It’s my surrender pose. I surrender to the moment, to my body, to my breath. Being chronically ill is tough and today was a rough day but I once again find myself surrendering to my life. I try to find peace and beauty in each moment, even the hard ones... especially the hard ones. Thanks for all the love and support everyone.... I appreciate each and every one of you. 

Making Peace

Learning about my disease brings such mixed emotions. In many ways I feel validated and relieved. It all makes sense now. Little clues... episodes of what seemed  like random occurrences now piece together the puzzle of my disease. Patterns that seemed fortuitous paint the picture of what I now know as APS.

On one hand I'm relieved to finally understand and not feel like it's all in my head as I was so often told.... to finally not feel like somehow it was my fault.

On the other hand I'm angry. Angry I lived so long not understanding and always feeling guilty. Always  apologizing for being an inconvenience. Angry that doctors and nurses blew me off or only treated the symptoms instead of trying to determine the cause. Angry at family and friends for joking that I was just a hypochondriac, for teasing me that I couldn't go anywhere without developing something wrong with me.

The random headaches, the nausea, the sudden dizziness, the fact that I would get winded so easily, the fact that I was always so forgetful and my brain seemed foggy,  the extreme fatigue... it was all due to this disease. I know that now. Had I known and not been discarded would things have been different? Would I have had a stroke, would I have miscarried, would I have lost vision, would I be able to breath? Had I known that I indeed had a disease would  I have been treated sooner. Would my life be different?

The reality is I'll never know. I have to let that all go. All the what ifs, all the anger, all the guilt. Now I have to heal. Now I have to find peace with where I am.  

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